I underestimated what it would feel like to move somewhere where I know no one. And by no one, I mean no women. I had discounted how much I rely on women every single day – for laughter, for support, for reference, for connection.
My entire life in Washington DC is built around a tight circle of women. My sister who is only a phone call away, my mom who is near by and always available to help with my kids, my best girl friends, my neighbors and the other moms I have grown to know and laugh with. My business is completely focused on working / talking / interacting / even thinking with and about women. And my business partner and my team – all women – we literally spend all day laughing and working.
I underestimated what it would feel like to move so far from all of that. It feels like someone turned off the lights. And I can’t quite figure out how to get them all on again.
I’ve been going through withdrawal. Jesse says it’s grief. He may be right. I’m past denial. I’m on the angry and sad phases. I’m not sure if bartering will show up.
But no one hates a whiner more than I do, so while I’m accepting that this is how I feel right now, I’m also desperately trying to find my way out.
Today at lunch I befriended the woman at the table next to me. We’re having coffee next week. I asked a random woman whom I’ve only met via email if I could come visit her at her farm to see how she sheers her sheep.
I thought about what Suzie Mills told me about her Yoga studios and how they work because they create (among many other things,) community for people. So tonight I went to a yoga class, with 4 other women, and it was wonderful to laugh with them. It made me feel happy to be in the company of women.
I’ve found a place for Chloe and I to go horseback riding on a weekly basis. Because I also know that besides women, I need activities – things I love that will bring me up when I’m feeling blue. And I’m dragging poor Lucas on runs with me not only to keep my wits about me, but also to keep tabs on him.
I know I’m supposed to write about how amazing things are, how gorgeous and incredible and all that good stuff. And yes, there are literally rainbows and waterfalls and sheep (lots and lots of sheep,) over here.
And I know that in a few short months the days will be longer, the sun will shine brighter and I will have made lots of new friends. I will love living here and will be so happy to be here.
But for right now, I am grateful to the woman at the restaurant who texted me afterwards to invite me to coffee. And I am grateful for the women in the yoga class who made me laugh and invited me to the next class. And I’m grateful to be completely out of my comfort zone, even if it hurts like hell right now.
Frederique
Latest posts by Frederique (see all)
- It just takes time - July 11, 2019
- Whether to stay in NZ - June 12, 2019
- The Little Man - May 10, 2019
- Running a business from 8500 miles away - May 2, 2019
Hang in there dear Fred – There is no doubt you will have many new acquaintances and friends in very short order, and will be right at home. I love that you are sharing this with others. That alone helps. When we moved from the city to the country, as county with one stop light… it was a change. Not quite New Zealand-type change, but a change nonetheless. So my dear curly head blonde, little girl from next door growing up, YOU can do anything. so proud of you, and quite envious. AND, you are teaching this to your children. Much love to you and your family – Laura
Thank you so much Laura. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
I’m not one to hide from the truth, even if sometimes it feels like I’m expected to paint a different picture. (I’m not quite sure why we all feel we have to pretend like everything is always perfect and easy.)
I’m so grateful for your words of encouragement!
xoxo
👍👍👍👍
Knowing you, this post does not surprise me at all. The bright side is that you are only a few weeks in, and already are finding ways to overcome what you are feeling. I have no doubt that your circle of women friends is going to grow exponentially in the upcoming month. You’ve left a big hole here as well. I still look to see if your car is there almost every day, and I’m bummed when it’s not. I know that you’ll have a rich life there with lots of friends, and you’ve got people waiting patiently (or not so patiently) back here in DC for your return. Miss you daily….
Thank you Alison! You made me cry. 🙂
Miss our little neighborhood family.
Sally, next door, is lovely, but at nearly 90 it’s not quite the same …
Think about this post a year from now.
Agree!
Hi Fred – This is a beautiful and honest post. Exactly what a blog should be. I am so glad that you shared it. I remember feeling the same way when I moved to Washington, DC, in the 70’s. I felt like an alien (how nice it would have been to have met Maryse at that time but that didn’t come until much later). With every day it got better. What a wonderful adventure you are on and what an incredible opportunity for you and the family to make indelible memories.
Thank you Bet!
I’m feeling better already. Keeping busy is helping. Today I’m taking a road trip w/ the kids (no jesse, he’s working all wknd at the hospital.) We’re off to a town 3 hours away called Napier where Lucas is playing in his first tennis tournament.
I’m hoping we don’t hit any road bumps as I honestly don’t know how to change a tire and they don’t have on star or road-side assistance here. But it will be fun, that’s for sure! xoxo
I am also not surprised at all and so glad you are willing to share this so openly and honestly. It has to be so hard! I thought you were absolutely nuts to make this move but was so jealous that you were willing to do it for a change, for your kids, for your family and for you! I am sorry it is tough right now but exactly what you said at the end is so true, in a month or so you will fit right in as you do in every environment and have women clamoring to spend time with you! I wish we could visit, give you a hug, get a massage, have a drink and cheer you up! I know it will come. Thank you for sharing. I absolutely love reading your blog and look forward to who’s perspective I am going to hear next. Sending love from MD! Christina
Thank you Christina!!!!!!
I miss you so much, I need some of that upbeat and positive attitude around me.
And let me tell you, there is not a spa in sight. I actually had that thought this week.
As in – is it possible I will go a whole year w/out getting a massage? I wonder how much money that will save me?
Hah! Surely I will find a Mandarin Oriental in a larger city. Australia maybe?
I literally wait until 2pm every day to text you. Only because I know at 6am in New Zealand, you will be up. I’ve debated texting you earlier, because we all know you like to start your days early (!), but I don’t want to wake Jesse. All this to say that you guys have left a big gaping hole in D.C. too and we miss you guys! Do people in New Zealand think you’re funny? It has worked on every other continent you’ve visited, so it’s got to be true in NZ too. Also, do you want me to move in next door in Barnaby Woods? Too close? Keep sharing, keep putting yourself out there, and keep checking in on Jesse and the kids. You guys are all experiencing some growing pains and you’ll get through it together. I also wonder if we should get you a subscription to Calm (www.calm.com)? Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. Love all of you guys big time. xo
By the time you see me, I will be the editor of CALM.com
It’s so calm here, I’ll be the leading expert on calm.
*grin*
I don’t know if people think I’m funny … maybe a little???
I hope? Just a little?
For the first time in my life I have put my phone out of my bedroom and bought an alarm clock.
Because the “dings” from the emails / comments / etc. start waking me up around 2AM. And no, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to silent my new android phone. And without my IT Support (aka, you) I just give up.
MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
xoxo
Your personality is infectious….give it a few more days and you’ll be like the Pied Piper with a posse of women following in your wake. xoxox
Funny! Thank you!
Un jour à la fois bécasse et tu verras dans peu de temps, tu te demanderas pourquoi vous n’êtes pas partis avant ? Pour l’instant, il faut tout découvrir, apprendre, comprendre et ce n’est pas marrant, c’est même parfois angoissant. Pour l’instant, tu sais ce que tu as laissé derrière et pas ce qui t’attend. Mais, crois-tu que les gens de Gisborne vont te laisser tranquille lorsqu’ils vont découvrir cette américano-française au drôle d’accent 🙂 ? lorsqu’ils vont découvrir ta personnalité et entendre ton rire qui éclate d’un bout à l’autre de la pièce ? Là, tu n’auras plus un moment à toi, ni pour ton blog. Alors, profite du calme présent car il ne va pas durer ! C’est vrai que vous nous manquez à tous énormément mais on se dit aussi que vous allez vivre des expériences inouies, visiter des lieux magiques, apprendre tant de nouvelles choses que cela vaut bien la peine d’attendre un peu avant que vous reveniez et partagiez avec nous quelques uns de vos souvenirs. Une chose est certaine, lorsque j’entends ces “dings” alors que j’allais m’endormir, je m’endors avec le sourire car je me dis que tout va bien.
Merci Maman!
J’amais bien ta premiere reponse!
“Trouve-toi une belle et grande maison à la plage et tous tes amis vont arriver.”
Culture shock is no joke. But as you acknowledged, it’s only temporary. After a few weeks/months, you feel more like you fit in and not everything is so unfamiliar. In the meantime, think of it as the tides of an ocean. They have to both come in and go out. Same with breathing. Same with this – you feel how you feel right now until you feel differently. And that’s ok.
Love your reports from the new country. 🙂
Awww Fred… big hug… quite frankly I’d think you were strange if you didn’t feel this way! You are in the thick of culture shock! It will for sure get better and if anyone will overcome the blues And Disillusionment it will be you my friend 🙂
What an incredible person , wife and mother you are to take this on. I’m in awe of you.
Truly, in years to come, you will look back on this year as an amazing journey !
It’s ok to allow yourself to be “ ick” for awhile. You are a strong woman and will be back on the saddle in no time!
Love and miss you:)